Roles and Responsibilities for Military Couples, Part 3 of 3
Tips for Rebalancing Roles and Responsibilities for Greater Equality in Military Partnerships
In my time working with military couples, I haven’t been able to find an exact spot to draw the line between when a couple can and should be trying for equal roles, versus when it’s best to work on acceptance and harmony despite hard division of roles. That said, I think it generally comes down to the service member’s “average work week” and whether the couple have children or high care demands at home (for example, taking care of a parent or disabled pet.) I have found that when a service member is gone from the home about 6 out of 7 days a week AND the couple have children or high care needs at home, it’s best to say goodbye to any hopes of balancing roles and work toward acceptance (this particular post is not about that, but if you’re interested in learning more, let me know and I can cover that topic in a separate post). If the couple do not have children or high care needs, or the service member is home at least two full days a week, getting as close to balanced roles as possible can significantly improve marital satisfaction.
Of course, it’s not always that simple. What about the service members who work very long hours and are only home for a few hours at a time? What about the service members who are home until they’re not, and often must travel without warning? I would say that if the service member is home at least 20 percent of the time, it’s helpful in the long term to strive for balance, with the acceptance that it won’t be perfect.
Before I share steps to rebalancing roles and responsibilities, I feel it’s important to talk about how to manage when the service member is called away for work unexpectedly and balanced roles are no longer plausible. Obviously, when one partner is gone the other must take care of everything. While there is nothing that can simplify this situation enough to make it easy to deal with, it can be easier with one cognitive tool I have developed over the years of being a Marine Corps spouse myself. I call it The Home or Gone Switch, and I visualize it like a light switch in my home but one that works horizontally not vertically. One side of the switch is for when the service member is gone, the other for when they are home (by “gone”, I mean they are deployed, in the field, or home with less than one hour of non-sleeping time a day). When my husband tells me he needs to work late, that he will have to go into the field, or that he has to stand duty, no matter what the reason or length of time, the switch flicks to Gone. He knows that I will immediately begin operating as though he is deployed and everything falls on me, I don’t wait for him or expect to hear from him. I know what his responsibilities are, and I fulfill them myself until he gets back home. When he is home and we are expecting him to be home, the switch flicks to Home. In this state he is my equal partner in the home, and he will be taking out the trash. I visualize this switch and use it always, relishing in the rigidity because it makes an overly complicated situation seem much more straightforward—it’s easier to flex between two different stances than six. Either they’re home or they’re gone.
TASK REBALANCING STEPS
Balance will look very different for each couple (as it should) and I strongly recommend working with a qualified couple’s therapist to help navigate your specific situation. For the sake of any of you who would like to know more or try this on your own, I will provide a general overview of what work on rebalancing might look like. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach, it’s just the best I’ve found at this point in my practice. It’s important to make this your own in a way that’s intentional. Many people will find this too specific or detailed and skip over some of the details to make the steps feel more doable. This is totally cool! Just make sure that before you skip steps or overlook any details that those aren’t the same kinds of details that are causing friction in your relationship.
Work together to create a list of chores: Including every task that is required for the home/family to run successfully. This includes things like paying bills, lawn care, teacher correspondence, dusting, replacing filters, car maintenance, etc. Every. Single. Chore. This is soul-sucking but trust me, it matters. When we don’t take the time to do this, we fill this space with more broad labels like “you do the inside of the house, I’ll do the outside” and before we know it, we’re back to traditional role division that does not take our individual skills and desires into account.
Clearly define each task or responsibility: Many couples skip this step because they think it’s obvious. “Why do I have to explain what I mean when I say sweep the floors, you sweep the floors.” Unfortunately, when one partner talks about sweeping the floors, the other is very often not fully aware of what they mean. For example, they might not realize you mean that all floors, including the room you never use, or garage should be swept, or that you need to vacuum up the piles and empty the vacuum afterward, or that they expect the dining chairs to be moved while sweeping to ensure everything is swept up, etc. Don’t let this communication issue create the belief in one partner that the other is simply not doing what they agreed to do, or that they don’t care. Talk about it and come to a mutual understanding about what the task should always involve.
Divide the chores in half between the two of you: This is more difficult as it requires compromise and intentional conversation between partners. Not every chore is created equal (for example, taking the dog to the vet might be a whole ordeal compared to giving the dog a bath) so consider giving each chore an effort rating between 1 and 3, that way you can divide chores by points and attempt to ensure each person gets equal points. Try not to let the effort rating be altered by a partner’s ignorance about a certain task (none of this “well that’s hard for me because I’ve never done it”—rebalancing will involve learning new skills). As you divide chores, take each partner’s time at home into consideration while still trying to reach equality. For example, a service member who is gone or working late all but two days a week will be more successful in completing chores that are not done daily, but weekly or less frequently such as lawn care, baseboard scrubbing, or changing air filters. Also take each partner’s natural skills and abilities into account. For example, a more detail-oriented partner may be best at helping with homework or planning meals, while one who is able to knock out tasks quickly may be better suited to getting lunches ready for the next day or doing dishes.
***Consider doing this step over multiple shorter meetings, or start with just 15 minutes and see how you feel. Bring comfort items to each meeting to minimize stress (blanket, snacks, beverages, calming music, etc.) Don’t have this meeting when you don’t have the emotional or mental space for it. ***
Put it in writing: Write out what tasks each of you has agreed to take and organize them by frequency so they’re easy to see. If you keep a planner, chore chart, or some other way to track your to-dos, add these tasks there so you don’t forget and you have clear expectations. Make sure that you detail any information needed to do this task successfully, such as phone numbers for professionals, websites, brand names, etc. This will also function as a sort of turnover binder for the partner who will need to fulfill all responsibilities while the other is away. An example of this would be the task of taking the children to the doctor for physicals, which should include the doctor’s office name and phone number, your child’s allergies, and your child’s medication list with dosages. The task of feeding pets and ordering their food for delivery should include the website you order the food from, the type of food you buy, and exactly what amount to feed them each day and when.
Help each other learn: If you’ve rebalanced things effectively, it is very likely that one or both of you will find yourselves with a new task that you either don’t know how to do, or don’t know how to do well. As mentioned in part 2, the natural inclination is to give up and revert to doing what we know because it’s easier and we don’t want to take the time and energy to learn and possibly get it wrong. I strongly encourage you to push past this in favor of a more balanced and connected future by planning to teach each other what you don’t know. Remember that mistakes are the price to pay for knowledge and expertise, so allow each other to make a few mistakes as you get into the new groove. This step can be challenging and will require intentional acceptance of imperfection, loss of control, and not knowing (hence my previous suggestion to seek couple’s counseling while doing this).
This is not a legal contract; it can be changed at any time. If it feels a little cold and unyielding despite the knowledge that it can be changed, that makes sense. This is meant to be a mutually agreed upon plan which removes ambiguity and provides a scaffolding for mutual respect of each other’s space and time. I’d rather you be stressed at the plan than at each other for not protecting and honoring your needs. Having this plan to rebalance will not take away the stress of your responsibilities, but it will help you orient yourselves away from a “me versus you” mindset to an “us versus our chores” mindset.