Roles and Responsibilities for Military Couples, Part 1 of 3

Why Traditional Gender Roles Aren’t for Everyone

Traditionally, roles and responsibilities in relationships have been divided along gender lines: men go to work to earn resources to support the family, while women upkeep the home and raise children. It’s safe to say that this tradition has been losing steam in recent decades as we are seeing increases in women’s participation in the workforce as well as increases in men’s involvement in care tasks at home, even after having children. This is a good thing for many reasons, one of them being that couples who hold onto traditional gender roles tend to be less satisfied with their marriage than those who take up more contemporary roles. Roles in marriage are not one-size-fits-all, and while some couples thrive with traditional roles, others seem to fall into them despite a lack of good fit. The reason contemporary, or more equal, roles are associated with higher marital satisfaction is that couples who share equal roles can identify with each other better.

***Please note I am not saying that traditional gender roles are bad or that you should not subscribe to them. Indeed, traditional gender roles are the best option for some relationships (key word: some) If you who are reading this follow the tradition discussed here and it’s working for your partnership, you’re pleased with the outcome and sense no displeasure on your horizons, awesome. Keep it up and ignore this post. ***

The traditional division of roles and responsibilities involves each member concerning themselves with aspects of family life that can sometimes feel like they’re at odds with each other. You make money to support us; I spend it in a way that nurtures us. You work outside the home to bring resources in; I work inside the home to give resources out. You plan for our future; I help us enjoy the present. You protect us from harm; I engage us with community. You comfort the upset child; I try to decrease environmental stressors that caused the upset. We dig our heels into our established roles and start to butt heads because the separation of responsibilities means that each person has a completely different set of goals to advocate for. “I have to care about this, because you only care about that”. In this way each person becomes the regulator of the other, and what started as a seemingly natural balance begins to feel more like a dance in which no one can make a move without stepping on the other’s toes.

The overwhelming majority of couples I have worked with act as though they believe homemaking and child rearing can be a one-person job and can be done within the confines of a normal, or slightly longer than normal workday. If I could use my nonexistent magical wand to do away with this myth forever, I would. It’s not just the breadwinners who believe in this, but even some of the primary parents who are in the home arena every day. They grind through their never-ending and overly dynamic to-do lists, making it happen despite never feeling accomplished, and still tell themselves that they should be expected to do it all every day. Maybe worse, many know that they can’t and their pleas for their partner’s assistance fall on deaf ears. Service members say “I go to work and am gone all day, that’s my job. They stay home with the kids and take care of them, that’s their job.” It just doesn’t work like that. As a previous client liked to say, that math don’t math.

I could point out the obvious holes in this argument, like that child rearing is a 24/7 job without pay or benefits, or that raising children is probably the hardest thing a person can do, or that that’s a recipe for burnout and resentment in the stay-home parent, but you already know all that. Going beyond the obvious, I want to highlight what happens to the money maker after five, ten, or fifteen years of this arrangement. They feel completely disconnected from their family. Too many breadwinners find themselves, after years of very hard work, going home and feeling that their partner, kids, and or whole family do not really care about them at all, and only care about having the money that their work brings in. They come for therapy with me and say things like “I feel like a walking wallet” and I try to help them answer the question “have I been acting like a walking wallet?” They have spent years only practicing a certain set of skills relating to bringing in the bacon, and because traditional roles are generally accepted, no one blinks when they don’t know how to do other things. We make the breadwinner a walking wallet, praise them for being one, and then wonder why they feel like one.

This reflects one of the deep truths of gender inequality: it doesn’t really help the men who may appear to get the upper hand, it doesn’t help anyone. The movement toward equality has seen significant and precious gains for women and women’s rights and there is so much work yet to be done. That said, it’s worth noting that women are being invited into traditionally male roles more than men are invited into traditionally female, or caring and nurturing roles. While men have been included in the conversation about equality, we may need to consider inviting them with clearer roles and expectations into the work of sharing equal responsibilities. There are too many men wanting to connect and engage in their relationships at home and feeling like they don’t know how. The good news is, men can learn to be more than just the breadwinner and reengage and reconnect at home, they may just need some help.

Stay tuned for part two, where I explore in depth the ways in which military couples are at higher risk of falling into traditional gender roles in relationships, even when doing so doesn’t line up with their values.